Song #34: Disease

"Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg!" [The 40-Year Old Virgin]

This is a song about tiring of doing good. It's from the perspective of someone who's grown weary of playing by the rules, being spoon-fed other people's expectations and - in keeping with the intent of this project - being in a relationship that is outwardly "right" (in the opinions of others), but inwardly lifeless. After all there are some experiences life holds for those who are adventurous enough to color outside the lines.



I don't want to choose health
I'm living life on my knees
I feel I'm gagging on good
I crave a little dis-ease
Try to wheel me in,
Lock me up in a cell
But I ain't looking for a cure,
I wouldn't pay to be well

I feel a wicked, sly smile
crawling up on my face
There's something sick inside
Way down low like the bass
I feel it pulse within
Like the beat of this song
And if lovin' you is right
Well then I want to be wrong

They all think they know best
Tell me just what I need
And I played along
For forever it seems
But see I've caught a bug
An infectious disease
And now I see you're just too good,
t-t-too good for me

Does it hurt? Does it hurt when I do this?

Song #33: Without a String

Inspiration often shows up unexpectedly. Take this week for instance. A new friend of mine happened to share this quote with me during a conversation:

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words 'make' and 'stay' become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” [Tom Robbins]

I knew instantly I needed to use it for song fodder. Almost every image and idea in this song is extracted directly from this quote, put into a blender and spit out as an acoustic reggae-rock sing-along jam.

PLAY:

CLICK HERE to download this song for free

LYRICS:

It can't be chained
No telling where it's been
There aren't bars so strong
to keep this outlaw in

Won't play your stupid games
Won't follow any rules
No way to nail it down
Makes wisdom play the fool

There is no certainty,
No sure security;
All that is vanity;
It's done without a string.

Defies authority,
A statement of liberty,
Will fight until it is free;
It's done without a string.

Goes where it wants; don't try to stop it
The best we can do is to be love's accomplice

Song #32: Time of Day

This week's song is more of a style experiment than anything. I very much enjoy listening to a lot of Oldies and classic R&B and so I thought I'd enjoy writing my own modern spin on those genres. There's nothing profound in the least about these lyrics but that too was keeping in form (most of those old songs are really simple). This one's just for fun.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

You walk by me everyday
walking in your freedom
And I can't help but imagine the day
you give me all your lovin'

I can't help it I'm falling for you
Dream of all the crazy things we would do
But you don't even give me the time of day

You move ways that drive a man wild,
But only give resistance
Tight pants, tight shirt, show off your style,
but keep 'em at a distance

I can't help it I'm falling for you
Give me one shot, you'll want me too
But you don't even give me the time of day

I sure hope you don't get pissed
But it's past time you know I exist

I can't help it I'm falling for you
Dream of all the naughty things we would do
But you don't even give me the time of day

Song #31: Alexandria

"Well behaved women seldom make history." [Laurel Thatcher Ulrich]

PLAY:

LYRICS:

You blaze ways with a smile on your face
And when we reach downtown you reach for the paint
Alexandria
The street musicians all know your name
And the gamble is certainly worth the game
I'm in love

They don't know where to look
She's straight up off the hook
We all just fall in love with Alexandria
She's irresisistable
She's got this certain pull
She'll burn this city down, Alexandria!

The town winds down, the lights start to fade
But you can't stop now, that's not how you're made
Alexandria
I once asked how she got this way
She just laughed and she walked away
I'm in love

Song #30: Unbound

"There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." [Yaldah Tovah]

LYRICS:

Her hand pierces the atmosphere
Her body's below the ground
Screaming and kicking for some air
No one hears a sound
An angel appears before her there
And pins her to the ground
Screaming and kicking for some air
The earth's at last unbound

Follow my hand, I will lead you
Put you in the places I need to
To know you even better than you do

Birds and planes falling from the air
She's taken by the force
A sharp surrender, a fist of hair
She trusts a little more
Drinking deep from the cup of life
A kiss becomes a vow
We know the edge but we walk the line
All time melts into now

Song #29: Be Free

There's always another side to the story.

A friend of mine this week reminded me that most "lost love" songs are from the perspective of the one who has been broken up with. What about the one who had to do the heartbreaking?

We often think that the one who ended things is in control and walks off mostly unscathed, but that is far from the truth. It can be a hot mess of emotions for both parties. The irony is - the singer here doesn't hate the person he's breaking up with... not at all. There's still genuine love and concern for the one he's leaving behind. But he also senses that it's not right enough to continue, even as the other person is trying everything they can to keep it from dying.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

don't let yourself believe
this is all easy on me
just because I'm the one who chose to leave
doesn't mean that I missed out on all the guilt and the grief

I don't want to be cold but I'm all ice
'cause if I let you in or even just be nice
you get your hopes up
and we both know
that this ain't right
so if it has to be me: I love you, be free

the truth is it was killing me to stay
so for now, dear, this is the only way
and though I've nothing bad to say
there's some walls I'm going to have to put into place

I don't want to be cold but I'm all ice
'cause if I let you in or just even be nice
you get your hopes up
and we both know
that this isn't right
and if it has to be me: I love you, be free

I don't think you're listening to me: I'm done
it was not meant to be, though we had fun
maybe one day you'll see: I still love you...

be free...

Song #28: Strange Love

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” [Jack Kerouac]

It's been said that the opposite of fear is love. And though it's human nature to make the majority of life decisions based (subtly) on fear, I've been lucky enough to know a handful of people who have chosen to live a life that is moved more by the power of love. These are the unique ones: those who march to a different drummer, those who swim against the current and who make their own way. We find ourselves attracted to these people because they do what most are afraid to do: buck convention and make the choice to live freely from passion, or a deep love for life, rather than from conditioning.

This is a strange, unusual little song for those who need the encouragement to live out of that kind of strange, unusual love.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

There's something in the way that we move
Something in the things that we choose
Like how we live as if there's nothing left to lose
That stirs them up inside
There's something in the way that we live
Something in the way that we give
The way we turned our backs and took our own path
That gives them hope for life

So let the haters be hatin'
This is the road that we're takin
It's not the path they created
Like hell, we just made it
like cheese we be gratin'
On all the nerves of the straight
But don't be jealous or fake it
We just used what we're made of

Watch us rock the stage we give everything we've got
We are everything you want, we are everything they're not
What are you afraid of? Would you like to join us?
So stand up make it known just what it is that you want
All we have is yours and all we have is fun
Then bury all that old stuff; come on now and join us
Those living with a strange love

Song #27: So Much

"The simplest things are often the truest." [Richard Bach]

LYRICS:

in place of all the things I don't say
here's a few words and chords that I know how to play
and a simple recourse
so I'll keep this short

there is so much I want to tell you
there is so much I need to say to you

don't know where to start, my thoughts aren't formed
just like a child with a thousand piece puzzle spilled out on the floor
but when the timing is right,
one day I'll sit you right down by my side because

there is so much I want to tell you
there is so much I need to say to you

there's my simple recourse
promised I'd keep it short, just know that

there is so much I want to tell you
there is so much I need to say to you

One Love, One Year, One Half

Milestones are those markers on the journey that tell us we're going in the right direction.

This week I posted song #26 - "I'm Ready" - and if you're keeping count at home: 52/2=26. That means I've just surpassed the halfway milestone through this One Love, One Year adventure.

Thank you so much for your continued love and support and being on this challenging but awesome journey with me. Cheers!

Song #26: I'm Ready

There's a lot going on in this song, but to me the essence of "I'm Ready" speaks to knowing that something isn't quite right but still being drawn to it. It's about making your bed in the confusion... the lure of the forbidden... the play between resistance and secretly longing to have your self-protective walls blasted through.

I was privileged this week to have worked with a cowriter - Orlando, FL artist, painter, model, yogini and all around beautiful soul Julie Sandifer, who penned these lyrics and helped in the creative process. Julie infuses wisdom and passion into all of her art, which is made obvious in these powerful words. If you would like to see more of Julie's work, click to visit her blog or paintings.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

so here I am again. ready. I think I'm ready.
who ever said that love was supposed to be so pure and healthy?
there's love in the chaos; love in the greedy need
how do we forget the past when the memories are so deep?

some hearts open slowly
mine is open freely
but it shuts quickly

I invite you in. you don't want me. you want in.
I can't want you - what is this?
simple it is not. fearless it is not. intense it is.

so here I am again. ready. I think I'm ready
turn me on. turn it off. i need both.
earthy, lusty, - more more more
stay close. encourage me to let go. my heart is full.

dedicated and all is love
somethings are not meant to be figured out, right love?
so tell me; I want you to tell me

I invite you in. you don't want me. you want in.
I can't want you - what is this?
simple it is not. fearless it is not. intense it is.

no symmetry, lovesick lover
be worthy. try harder.
you can't go wrong.
do more more more -

I invite you in. you don't want me. you want in.
I can't want you - what is this?
simple it is not. fearless it is not. intense it is.

so here I am again. ready. I think I'm ready.
I hope I never have to say goodbye.

Song #25: The King

"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good."
[John Milton]

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

Roll in the driveway
and place it in park
There isn't a light on
The house is all dark
There's nobody home
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

No snoring little babies
tucked up under blankies
No one through the window
Or assuring embraces
No "I'm glad to see you"
and I pretend it's for a reason
but it's not

So I pour me a whisky
and get a little bit silly
because if I start to thinking
who knows where that will take me

I picked up my ink pen
to write up this song
and I just keep on writing
so the music won't stop
'cause when the music ain't playing
all I can hear is the fridge
and the dogs

So I toss back more whisky
before I start wondering if you miss me
And if this is how it's got to be
At least I can set myself free

This is a cell
My own private silent hell
This is my life, serving my time, these are my shackles
And here I am king
For as far as the eye can see this is my land,
and I am the king of an empty castle

So I strip down to nothing
and lie in my bed
there's a space on the mattress
there's a buzz in my head
The quiet gets louder
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

This quiet gets louder
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

Song #24: Ellipses

"It's so easy to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love... but it's not always easy to recognize love, even when we hold it...
in our hands." [Jaka]

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

when words become ellipses
when knowing glances become kisses
you can't miss it
when all day long you listen
to dreams that say "you'll be his Mrs."
and oh the kisses
that's when you'll know

when you come home some evening
to find that love makes life worth living
are you kidding?
that's when you'll know

when you find that your guy
is quite unlike who came before
and in his presence you are not less, you are more

when you tell all your friends about him
and well up with pride because of who he is
it may be it
that's when you'll know

when words become ellipses
when knowing glances become kisses
you can't miss it
that's when you'll know

Song #23: Not Enough

Over the past few weeks, I've had conversations with two men - one who is going through a divorce and another who recently did. I kept hearing the same two themes emerge: one, that they were both trying everything they could to do the right thing, hold their marriages together and to show love even as their (ex-)spouse was struggling and/or being destructive; and two, that because their efforts weren't being accepted, it dealt such a heavy blow to their self-worth. Since in this project I had promised to explore all of the angles of love, I felt drawn to flesh out this experience in song, as difficult as that may be.

This was a hard song to write and I'm sure is a hard one to listen to. It's not unlike watching Requiem for a Dream - sitting through it once is probably enough. I had to go deep and get to an emotional space that I've known very well but not really wanted to return to. That said, the purpose of this piece is not in any way to glorify a defeated and self-doubting perspective; in time people move out of this stage and realize their worth is independent of their circumstances. Rather, this is a "snapshot" in time, a musical picture of a dark and raw reality... for the sake of artistic observation as well as catharsis. Almost like being physically ill, sometimes it's only by purging the darkness through expressing it (in writing, in song, in conversation) that we make room for the light and life to return again.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

She is fading, she's fading fast
And I've felt hurt before, but no hurt quite like this
'cause I see her hanging, she's just hanging on
In my strength, all i have; dear just please take my arm

And I know I can't save you
don't pretend I can
But I can't just stand by and
not extend a hand

But part of me
Hates the part of me
That gives a shit at all

She is struggling, she's scraping by
But she's too damned hardheaded to let me by her side
I am trying, maybe I should stop
When your love is unwelcomed, when do you finally give up?

My shit is not enough (for you)

It is not enough

My love is not enough

My time... not enough

My care... not enough

Love is not enough for you

Love...

Song #22: You Just Are

Friends who have followed my music over the years may possibly recognize this week's song. "You Just Are" is a piece I wrote and performed with the Trev Diesel band 6+ years ago, but since I was never able to record it, I decided to bring it in to the One Love, One Year anthology.

While most of my songs are thematically specific, this is one of the most vague that I've posted. I'm not going to go into specifics about my interpretation of these lyrics except to say this: it isn't so much about human/relational love as it is about the "capital-L" Love that holds the universe together, helps us know who we are and gives our lives direction.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

seems like only yesterday
we were standing on the frontier of our future
three friends and I taking rides in a beat up old car
and Sammie slinks low in her seat
and turns up the music.
(we think she'll go far
and shoot like a star over this pitiful city)

will you know it when you see it?
will your eyes be opened far
when forever meets you in the present
melting time and space and suddenly
you just are
so love, child, love

and she held on dearly to all that we were
even if at times making us all a little bit batty
and her daddy woke up before the sun did every day
and drove all the way to the city
and now we know, we know what they were living for

Song #21: You (Don't) Complete Me

While it's a romantic notion to consider someone as your "other half", I wonder if that's the healthiest way to live out your days with someone, Jerry Maguire. If a significant other is where you go for soul-level fulfillment or to fill an incomplete void in you, that's a scary setup for both parties and tees the ball up for some major disappointment sooner or later. You've got to find that outside and then re-enter the relationship with strength and an attitude that says "I'm here to give" - otherwise it's just need and codependency and all that messy stuff.

**In order to give credit where it is due, the lyric "You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat" was my inspiration for this song and was penned by writer and good buddy Benjamin Madrid. He blogs song lyrics and other musings HERE - go check him out.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

You, you don't complete me
But you completely light up my sky
You, you don't fulfill me
But, girl, you thrill me every night

I chose you out of my strength, not out of need
You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat

And everything you are to me is so good,
But I've got a confession
The only way I'm every thing I am to you
Is 'cause I've got a bigger mission

You, you don't make me,
But we'll be ok, see?
Because it's right
It's true that you relieve me
But if you must leave me
I'll be just fine

I chose you out of my strength, not out of need
You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat

And everything you are to me is so good,
But I've got a confession
The only way I'm every thing I am to you
Is 'cause I've got a bigger mission

If there's a void inside your soul
Just know that I will never fill that hole

Song #20: Rise (and Rise Again)

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books? There were multiple directions you could take at the end of the chapters, each resulting in different outcomes. In "Amphetamine" (week 12) the singer, after facing the loss of love, totally gave up, shut down and escaped into fantasy. This week I wanted to write an alternate ending.

What would it look like for someone who had once "climatized to a life of loss" found the inner strength to face the pain, overcome obstacles and, with confidence, tread into an uncertain future? What would it look like to take a once dead heart and set it on fire again?

Musically, I'm not sure how you would categorize this song except for experimental. It's different and won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it's what came out.

And besides, if they need a theme song for Rocky VII, I've got them covered.

PLAY:

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LYRICS:

A place for everything, everything in its place
Got it all locked down; going to hold control over all of my space
Ain't gonna rock the boat, going to minimize the pain,
Chain my desire and lock it all away

Well it's fear that holds me down and feigns as safe
And I have played the role of a passive man all of my days
If I'm ever gonna live, gonna have to put that mask away
And rise up from the ashes and take my place

Rise and rise again,
make a lion from this lamb
There's a battle to fight
A war to be won
I'm here to make my stand
With violence I crush my fear
and step out off that ledge
Though bloodied from battle, I will not run,
I rise and rise again

Well I told myself I'd never love again
After being burned, why would I walk into the fire again?
But the time for safe has ended, and it's ending here, today
I rise up from the ashes and stake my claim

Song #19: Through the Eyes

So through the eyes love attains the heart:
for the eyes are the scouts of the heart,
and the eyes go reconnoitering
for what it would please the heart to possess.

[Guiraut De Borneilh]

I was introduced to this poem in Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth series. Its author, Guiraut De Borneilh, was considered the "Master of the Troubadors" - those musician-poets of the 12th century who are historically noted for romanticising love. It's such a beautiful and striking work that speaks deeply and poetically of what draws two individuals together. This week's song is a modern homage to this poem and the original songwriters of love. 

PLAY:



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LYRICS:

She dreamed of truly being seen
When she popped up on my fine-tuned radar screen
I watched her staring back at me
And what happened right then and there is a mystery

For as all true lovers know
It's in our eyes, it's through our eyes
Love is born in seeds of hope,
a perfect kindness
And that root will sprout and grow
Starts in our eyes, it's through our eyes
And this fruit will speak it so
within the silence

This gaze locked hers and that was it
As I mowed her back and through without a flinch
A heart slain, pierced; her deepest wish,
She coyly turned away, as in a kiss

Like a gift unto the heart
The eyes have whispered who you are
The heart draws near what once was far

Song #18: Maps

The labor process of birthing a song this week was the equivalent of pushing out a 15 pounder with no anesthetics. It began with lyrics I had about second chances but after the instrumental tracks evolved, I found that the words and the music did not go together. At all.

And I realized this at 5pm on Sunday.

With only a few short hours left I threw away the previous vocal tracks and attempted to write new lyrics, using two of my friends as sounding boards to help come up with ideas. The music I had written reminded me of a California road trip, so we got to work weaving some lyrics together around that. By the time I had some something in place it was late and I was frustrated, so I recorded the vocal track and called it a night.

All of that said, I in no way feel this song is complete. The chorus words just aren't there, the flow is too chunky and the ending double chorus doesn't work. But I think this song has potential. It just needed more time; perhaps I will revisit it at a later date.

As for now, though, it's time to move on to #19.

PLAY:



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LYRICS:

Black-ribbon road is stretching out
The tank's at two-o-clock; it's getting late
Sundown glow ahead of us
A burning torch that guides and lights our way
The desert wind, your summer dress:
I pretend I'm not staring at your legs
And as the headlights rise like fireflies
It's hard to hide the smile upon my face

Worn maps show us the way back
But not where we're at
I don't think it matters now.
Right here: bare feet on the dash
That way that she laughs
All we need's right here on this side of the glass

We could drive for miles and miles
but we both know that we're already there
This journey is the destination
so where we end up I don't really care

Not so fast...

If you've come by this way knowing that I usually post my new songs on Sunday nights around 7:30, I'm encouraged by your eagerness, but I'm afraid you've beat me to the punch. Song #18 is taking a little time to finish up. I'll be wrapping it tonight and posting by noon tomorrow. Until then... cheers.

Song #17: Hang

So far in this project I've put my own spin on reggae, alt-country, ballads, old-school R&B, rockers, and more. Yet this week as I was hearing this melody, I knew I had to go a totally new direction that I hadn't touched on yet: club synth-pop. Go ahead and be a hater but don't act like you're not dancing in your recliner right now.

PLAY:



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LYRICS:

can you hang? can you hang with me?
do you have what it takes to try and handle me?
can you feel? can you feel deeply?
'cause I give all I've got and won't take less, see:

I can't give you all the money but you can trust that I will rock your soul - so let go
it will be good, it will be often and when it's through I promise that you will know

hang on for the ride
of your life
if you're going my way you must be able to hang
hang on for the ride
of your life
I know just want I want, I want you,
but only if you can hang

can you respect? will you respect me?
cause I respect myself and won't take less, see
still want in? let's see if you fit
I don't play hard to get, girl I am hard to get