Song #51: La Pelea

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." [Victor Hugo]

Having covered a wide spectrum of genres and textures in "One Love, One Year," as I begin to bring it to a close I find there are still infinite ways that music can speak to us about love. Sometimes - maybe many times - raw, composed, instrumental music can express depths that lyrics and sung words cannot quite reach.

This week I dusted off a classical piano piece that I spent many, many hours composing years ago and finished it up to incorporate into this project. As with anything of this nature, it is open to a variety of interpretations, but to me this piece speaks to love as a sort of violent, yet sweetly playful tussle -- often oscillating between order and chaos, majesty and misery, clarity and confusion.

"The inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being..." [Oliver Sacks]

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Song #42: Disappear

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
[Abraham Cowley]

LYRICS:

Look at me,
I've got my shit together
I am a winner, a picture of health
but what no one sees deep below the surface
is a cavern, the cold hard walls of a well

For a time I was better, well on my way
A little bit stronger, a little more life each day
But all the momentum I thought I had gained
slows to a halt when someone speaks your name

Sometimes I wish you'd disappear
So maybe I could find peace this year
But I know as sure as I sit here
That I don't mean it

When you both live in the same small town
You can't help but see each other around
I have that old crusty wound that almost heals
But then I catch your eyes and it all at once starts to peel

Sometimes I wish you'd disappear
So maybe I could find peace this year
But I know as sure as I sit here
That I don't mean it

As much as I would like to move on,
it ain't happening
But if I can pretend that you're gone,
there's a respite from all the battling in my mind

Sometimes I wish you'd disappear
So maybe, maybe I could find peace this year
But I know as sure as I sit here
That I don't mean it

...but most times I wish you'd just appear
And wreck all of my plans for this year
Cause when I said my love was sincere
Well, I still mean it

Song #25: The King

"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good."
[John Milton]

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LYRICS:

Roll in the driveway
and place it in park
There isn't a light on
The house is all dark
There's nobody home
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

No snoring little babies
tucked up under blankies
No one through the window
Or assuring embraces
No "I'm glad to see you"
and I pretend it's for a reason
but it's not

So I pour me a whisky
and get a little bit silly
because if I start to thinking
who knows where that will take me

I picked up my ink pen
to write up this song
and I just keep on writing
so the music won't stop
'cause when the music ain't playing
all I can hear is the fridge
and the dogs

So I toss back more whisky
before I start wondering if you miss me
And if this is how it's got to be
At least I can set myself free

This is a cell
My own private silent hell
This is my life, serving my time, these are my shackles
And here I am king
For as far as the eye can see this is my land,
and I am the king of an empty castle

So I strip down to nothing
and lie in my bed
there's a space on the mattress
there's a buzz in my head
The quiet gets louder
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

This quiet gets louder
and I pretend it doesn't matter
but it does

Song #23: Not Enough

Over the past few weeks, I've had conversations with two men - one who is going through a divorce and another who recently did. I kept hearing the same two themes emerge: one, that they were both trying everything they could to do the right thing, hold their marriages together and to show love even as their (ex-)spouse was struggling and/or being destructive; and two, that because their efforts weren't being accepted, it dealt such a heavy blow to their self-worth. Since in this project I had promised to explore all of the angles of love, I felt drawn to flesh out this experience in song, as difficult as that may be.

This was a hard song to write and I'm sure is a hard one to listen to. It's not unlike watching Requiem for a Dream - sitting through it once is probably enough. I had to go deep and get to an emotional space that I've known very well but not really wanted to return to. That said, the purpose of this piece is not in any way to glorify a defeated and self-doubting perspective; in time people move out of this stage and realize their worth is independent of their circumstances. Rather, this is a "snapshot" in time, a musical picture of a dark and raw reality... for the sake of artistic observation as well as catharsis. Almost like being physically ill, sometimes it's only by purging the darkness through expressing it (in writing, in song, in conversation) that we make room for the light and life to return again.

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LYRICS:

She is fading, she's fading fast
And I've felt hurt before, but no hurt quite like this
'cause I see her hanging, she's just hanging on
In my strength, all i have; dear just please take my arm

And I know I can't save you
don't pretend I can
But I can't just stand by and
not extend a hand

But part of me
Hates the part of me
That gives a shit at all

She is struggling, she's scraping by
But she's too damned hardheaded to let me by her side
I am trying, maybe I should stop
When your love is unwelcomed, when do you finally give up?

My shit is not enough (for you)

It is not enough

My love is not enough

My time... not enough

My care... not enough

Love is not enough for you

Love...

Song #20: Rise (and Rise Again)

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books? There were multiple directions you could take at the end of the chapters, each resulting in different outcomes. In "Amphetamine" (week 12) the singer, after facing the loss of love, totally gave up, shut down and escaped into fantasy. This week I wanted to write an alternate ending.

What would it look like for someone who had once "climatized to a life of loss" found the inner strength to face the pain, overcome obstacles and, with confidence, tread into an uncertain future? What would it look like to take a once dead heart and set it on fire again?

Musically, I'm not sure how you would categorize this song except for experimental. It's different and won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it's what came out.

And besides, if they need a theme song for Rocky VII, I've got them covered.

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LYRICS:

A place for everything, everything in its place
Got it all locked down; going to hold control over all of my space
Ain't gonna rock the boat, going to minimize the pain,
Chain my desire and lock it all away

Well it's fear that holds me down and feigns as safe
And I have played the role of a passive man all of my days
If I'm ever gonna live, gonna have to put that mask away
And rise up from the ashes and take my place

Rise and rise again,
make a lion from this lamb
There's a battle to fight
A war to be won
I'm here to make my stand
With violence I crush my fear
and step out off that ledge
Though bloodied from battle, I will not run,
I rise and rise again

Well I told myself I'd never love again
After being burned, why would I walk into the fire again?
But the time for safe has ended, and it's ending here, today
I rise up from the ashes and stake my claim

Song #12: Amphetamine

The character in this song seems to have climatized to a life of loss. Like any of us, of course he doesn't desire brokenness but his attitudes and beliefs attract it time and again. And time and again, instead of dealing with these things head on, he tends to default to two coping mechanisms: self-medication and running away. "Amphetamine" is a dark song about a shell of a man, hardly someone worth admiring. And yet there's sympathy there, knowing that we all deal with loss and difficulty in our own variations of these ways. Part of me wants to scream at him - "it's worth the risk" - but he'll either toughen up and figure that on his own... or he won't.

On a production note, this is the first song so far that I've directly worked with another individual in the creation process. Music college friend, writing partner and excellent songwriter/performer Joe Aielli had the piano intro and idea for this song years ago. We've worked it on and off for a while but I knew when I began this love-themed writing project, this song would have to be revisited and finished.

Oh, and please swing by Joe's page and become a fan of his well-crafted music: www.facebook.com/joeaielli

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LYRICS:

she called me in and said I'm leaving
just like so many girls before
and once again I think that love, it ain't the answer
'cause what's united can be torn

friends and lovers, ya who needs 'em?
it just hurts too much to say goodbye anymore
well i've got all the ways I need to ease the pain
and they come out to play when it begins to storm

I think love is an amphetamine running through my head
just a high that becomes tomorrow's tears
I think love is an amphetamine,
so now I'm on my way until it all just disappears

as the dust blows up behind me
I can't think about all the people I left behind
what you call love I call the thing that trips me up
I'd rather move ahead alone and undefined

yes, I think love is an amphetamine running through my head
just a high that becomes tomorrow's tears
I think love is an amphetamine,
so now I'm on my way until it all just disappears

and when I take the pill I'm standing on top of the world
unconscious to the crowd below
but without fail, in time, I always come crashing down
it lifts me up and leaves me low

will i always think love is an amphetamine?
will i ever let anyone draw near?
see I think love is an amphetamine
so now I'm on my way until it all just disappears
you may live in love, but I live in fear
so I'll get the hell on out of here

Song #4: Walk Away

Martin Luther once said, "What the heart desires, the will chooses and the mind justifies." Emotions are important; vital even. But they are a rather poor compass. There has to be a deeper truth that guides us. Furthermore, as my man Martin says, when we simply follow our feelings, we can justify just about anything... for a while anyway. I certainly know that from firsthand experience.

In "Walk Away" the singer is doing some hardcore UFC-style grappling with his ever-changing emotions. In this instance, he eventually decides to leave, allowing his feelings to triumph commitment. We're not told enough to judge if that was the right choice, but that's where he ends up. Perhaps I'll do another song as a response and alternate take on the subject in the future.

To be totally honest, I can't say I'm in love this song - the writing, style or delivery. But that's the nature of forcing myself to birth something new in a few short hours a week.

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LYRICS:

like a midwestern fall
I can't trust this at all
watch it rise and then fall
this fickle, feeble feeling of love

yes, we've all felt the burn
only to watch it turn
I think I'm starting to learn
this ain't what good decisions are made of

but what will sustain
when all that remains
is old memories and pain?
things just aren't the same
should I just walk away?

when did things turn around?
I can't quite break it down
all I can seem to hear now
are echoes of long-forgotten lovers

they all say follow your heart
well that's straight tearing me apart
this isn't science, it's art
and all these questions now make me wonder:

what will sustain
when all that remains
is old memories and pain?
things just aren't the same
should I just walk away?

What this heart wants,
I will get, don't you ever forget

what will sustain
when all that remains
is old memories and pain?
things just aren't the same

Why should I stay
When nothing will change?
It's time I go my own way
and do it today
I should just walk away